I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
