My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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