It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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