the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
