Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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