i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
You peed on a flamingo?!?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
