My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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