Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
