So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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