I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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