Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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