and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
