did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
