ya dads aren't the best wingmen
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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