Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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