I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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