i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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