i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
