I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
