Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
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