I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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