Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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