ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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