please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
