Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
