dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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