remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
sarcasm needs its own font
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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