Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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