I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
