At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
