she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
