I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
It was confusing and full of hummus
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
