I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
