I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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