I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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