i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
