Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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