haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
