Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
