Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
