Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
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It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
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Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?