I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
