Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
