Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
