hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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