You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
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