Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Plan B is the new Plan A
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
