i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
