On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
