I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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