There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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