New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
