i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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