If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
