The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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