It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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