I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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