I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Randomize
