im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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