he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
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so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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