took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
